The Line Ride
An open letter to future Day After Thanksgiving shoppers (specifically, a loud but vocal minority of them):
Arriving five hours before the store opens does not assure that the product you want will be there to be purchased. The ad says "minimum six." That means we may not have more than six. If you're seventh in line, you may just be screwed. Deal with it. What you wanted was a piece of crap anyway. Come back to the department and we'll show you something that doesn't suck.
Arriving five hours after the store opens all but assures that the product you want will NOT be there to be purchased. Did you see those long lines that the news copters showed this morning while you brushed your teeth? Those people weren't lined up for tickets for Supertramp. Ask me to "check in the back" one more time and I shall promptly introduce you to the back of my hand.
Please do not give me that look when I tell you the other offers we have to go with the cheap notebook you're purchasing, particularly anti-virus protection. When you return three months from now to have us remove a virus because you weren't smart enough to buy Norton to protect your sad, cheap computer from your Kazaa addiction, please remember that we warned you this would happen. Remember in August when everyone got the Blaster virus? That was actual news, not a made for TV movie. I know you have trouble telling the difference sometimes.
Yes, you do have to get in "that line" to check out. Yes, it is very long. Thank you, I went blind for a second and could not tell. Now, I know the concept of the day after Thanksgiving being a busy shopping day is foreign to you, and you did not expect there to be more than, oh, four or five people other than you in the store, but this is your problem, not mine. I have a brain.
I know the line is moving slow. Lines that snake through three aisles until it's made it halfway to the back of the building tend not to move at lightning speed. This isn't helped by you, my friend, who feel the need to wait until you are at the register to tell us that you'd like to use our financing even though you were informed earlier that it had to be taken care of elsewhere. And yes, we will have to call the bank to verify your payment: checks numbered "105" are not usually considered reliable. Meanwhile, asking us to "open more registers" is kind of useless considering every register in the building is in use. Contrary to popular belief we do not possess magic invisible cash registers. That you know of.
Also, managers do not have a magic powder that enables cash registers to work at double speed. Asking them to speed up a line will not result in people walking as if they were in "fast-forward" mode. Unless this manager is a magician, that is. This is rare.
Yes, you have to take a number to talk to a salesman. Wait, what am I saying? There were only ten people that came in before you. Let's screw them over and grab people at random. To hell with the idea of "first come, first serve." You're loud and boorish, so of course we will help you first. Duh.